Dear Cynthia: I am not attracted to my boyfriend. Should I break up with him?

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Not Attracted to My Boyfriend

Dear Cynthia,
I have been seeing my current boyfriend for 2 months.  He is really nice, but I have no real desire to spend time with him, even though he treats me well.   I’m afraid I’m  just not attracted to my boyfriend.  In fact, he often repels me. 
I fear I haven’t broken up with him yet because I am desperate to be in a relationship. 
Should I break up with him or give the relationship some time?

First, let me say that I commend you for being willing to step outside of yourself and take a hard look at your feelings.

So many of us prefer to live in our delusional cocoons. break up with my boyfriend

Our minds are tricky things and we can convince ourselves of almost anything we want.

We can convince ourselves that we really care for someone if we are lonely and desperate to be in a relationship.

Many of us are also easily addicted to the idea of being in a relationship and have so much pride (what do we tell  our friends?) that we are willing to create avenues of no escape for ourselves.

Like all addictions, the endorphins that flood our bodies when we have a romantic partner makes it extremely hard to break up with someone.

“But he opens the car door for me and he brings me those purple flowers I adore”!

You are brave to set all that aside and really discern if this kind man is meant to be your future husband.

Marriage is for life and there are no second chances via divorce.  Well, there shouldn’t be.

I’m going to tell you now  that If you really are not attracted to him to the point of being repelled by him, it might be time to let him go. It isn’t going to get easier after marriage.

However,  not so fast.

Something you said caught my attention.

You mentioned that you have no true desire to see him.  Does that mean you limit your interaction with him?

If you do limit your interaction,  then it means you haven’t given him a chance to “woo” you or charm you.

Women are more attracted to a man’s confidence and personality, than they are to looks or money, whether they know it or not.

Generally, the more you are exposed to someone, the more attracted you become to them.  This is called the mere exposure effect .

Has he had the chance to “show you what he got”?

If you want to know for sure whether this guy is a good match and whether you should give him a chance, then make it a point to see him more often during the next couple of weeks.

Be honest with him and let him know that you are not sure if you are a good fit for each other and you would like to spend more time with him, so you can BOTH discern if the relationship is right.

I wish you the best and may St Ignatius help you to make the right choice.

How about you ladies and gents? Have you ever broken up with someone even though he or she was nice?

Tell us about it.

 


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2 thoughts on “Dear Cynthia: I am not attracted to my boyfriend. Should I break up with him?

  1. TRADITIONAL CATHOLIC FEMININITY

    i think she is being unreasonable. Men are more biologically primed to focus on physical looks, due to a natural instinct to spread his seed. Therefore, a woman who is attractive to him is seen as more fertile, regardless of her age.

    Modern day women focus too much on looks when they should be focusing on a) can he provide for a family and b) does he have sufficient virtue to make a good father/husband.
    They want a pretty boy…..not a man

    women’s natural instinct is to go for a man who can provide for her and her children, but with rise in contraception a lot of women have had their hormones disrupted so much that they lose their natural drive…..as well as innate femininity.

    If it was me, I would first determine if he has sufficient virtue, which seems like he does and then i would look to see if he is able to be a provider.

    Reply

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